School teacher joke

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

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Birthday present joke

Boy: Happy Birthday Sweetie
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Girl: Thanks so much baby…So where is my birthday gift?
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Boy: (pointing) Can you see that red BMW parked over there?
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Girl: Oh my God!….yes….yes…yes…I can’t believe this…
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Boy: I bought you a toothbrush of the same colour…!!!

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What is the opposite of…

“A Teacher was teaching opposite words and pointed to Mandla to stand up and answer some Questions.
Teacher:What is the opposite of Good?”
Mandla:Bad
Teacher:Come?
Mandla:Go
Teacher:Ugly?
Mandla:Sexy
Teacher:You’re wrong!
Mandla:You’re Right
Teacher:Shut up!
Mandla:Keep talking
Teacher:Ok,now stop!
Mandla:Ok,then carry on
Teacher:Get out of my class!
Mandla:Come in my class
Teacher:Oh my God!
Mandla:Oh my devil
Teacher:You have failed!
Mandla:I have passed

Did Mandla Pass or Fail??

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Funny politician joke

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
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Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; “are you sure they were all dead”?
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Farmer: Some of them were screaming, “we are still alive”.
But I couldn’t believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.

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Report card joke

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands…

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I am writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you wound not approve because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact she’s much older than I. But it’s not only the passion Dad; she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with other people in the commune — for all the cocaine and ectasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15, I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I am sure we’ll be back to visit so that you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,
your son, Joshua

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that’s on the kitchen table. Call me when it’s safe for me to come home!

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The Priest and Prostitute Joke

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
“Oh, my child,” he said, “your dress is most lovely.”
“Thank you, Father,” she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
“Oh, my child,” said the priest, “your conversation is most lovely.”
“Thank you, Father,” said the prostitute.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, “Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you.”
And the prostitute said, “Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing.”

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iShag Joke

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON. She wasn’t impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network.This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out all iSHAG functions!”..

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WHO DO YOU CONSIDER VERY FUNNY HERE

1: The VENDA man who removed his shoes to enter a taxi…
2: The TSONGA man who went to the bank with a spanner to open a bank account…
3: The MOPEDI who went to bed with a ruler just to know how long he slept…
4: The SOTHO man who watched the news and waved at the news reader…
5: The TSWANA nurse who woke up a sleeping patient simply because she forgot to give him sleeping pills…
6: The SWATI man who lowered his tv volume because he wanted to read a text message…
7: The XHOSA man who climbed a mango tree to check if the mango was ripe enough, then came down and started stoning it…
8: The ZULU man who polished his shoe to take a passport photo…
9: The AFRIKAANS man who saw something which looked like shit, touched and tasted it, saying, “Hmmmm” this bloody shit! Thank God i didn’t step on it…
10: The ENGLISH man who put his radio inside the refrigerator because he wanted to listen to Cool FM

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HOW TO KNOW A TRUE SOUTH AFRICAN?

1.Always check airtime balance after call
2.Used cooking oil they put back in to the bottle for future use
3.Rice with meat is the best Meal for ever
4.Every brand of toothpaste is Colgate
5.Empty Container and Tins for Coffee are used for keeping Sugar or Salt
6.Every Cold drink is Coke
7.Every brand of cooking oil is fish oil
8.News paper is sometimes used as Toilet paper
9.Used Tea bag can be kept for future use
10.When making a call,a big finger is already in the red button

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